Honest LinkedIn Profile

• Pretty good at everything except Excel.
• Fast metabolism.
• Have never given a keynote, but have ideas and am probably capable.
• Good at convincing friends to take pictures for me while posing on conference stages.
• Extensive experience not reading all of my emails.
• Not going to make mistakes like thinking acumen is a spice (it’s not). It's a business thing and turns out either you have it or you don't.
• Proven fantasy football commissioner.
• Demonstrated ability to skip meetings with believable excuses.
• Over 25 years of spelling experience.
• Bravery.
• Exceptional MS Paint skills.
• Skilled at not biting off more than I can chew (knows when to hold knows when to fold).
• Above-average dancer.
• Proven reader (and comprehender).

MOVIES THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER HAD THEY STARRED NICOLAS CAGE

MOVIES THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER HAD THEY STARRED NICOLAS CAGE

1. Water World — Jet Skis, Nic Cage, need I say more?

2. Apollo 13 — Dudes probably would have landed on the moon and not fucked up the whole mission.

3. Gravity — Nic Cage just up in space floating around? Sounds like a pretty nice movie.

4. Twister — Nic Cage vs. Tornadoes, I am in.

5. Final Destination — Good luck killing Nic Cage.

6. Hunger Games — Pretty crazy concept and all, but how much crazier would it be if you let just one adult (Nic Cage) in the game? 

7, Titanic — Nic Cage would have never frozen in the ocean — boat most likely would have still sunk (not sure on that though).

8. All of The Batman movies.

9. The Sixth Sense — Nic Cage as a ghost? Interested.

10. Good Will Hunting — Robin Williams was way too soft to be a Boston based therapist. Nic Cage… Now there’s a dude that can connect with inner-city youth.

11. Jaws — If I know old Nic, he would fuck some sharks up if given the opportunity. Sadly, there would not be Jaws 2 or 3 because he would kill all of the sharks in the first movie.

12. Kill Bill — Nic plays Bill… Good luck Uma.

13. Thor — Welcome to fuck town! Population: Nic Cage!

14. Pacific Rim — Nic Cage controlling a huge robot in the ocean? Instant Oscar contender.

15. X-MEN — Whoa guess who has knives coming out of his hands?!?!? Nic Cage!

16. Step Up 2: The Streets — Part of me has always wanted to see Nic Cage dance.