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Apr 28, 2022

London, England, UK, Great Britain

I’m on a flight back to the US after spending the last week in England.

It's been a very quick trip. I left on the evening of Easter Sunday and landed at Heathrow in the afternoon on Monday.

[side note: England, UK, Great Britain… it’s all extremely confuuuuuuuuuuusing for me. So the the UK is short United Kingdom. I’m good. England is IN the UK. But it’s not just the UK. Ok? And the people in England are often referred to as Britiiiiish? I DON'T GET IT AT ALL. I clearly was not paying attention in whatever class covered the history of all these realms, kingdoms, and empires... but whatevs, I decided to refer to the entire country as London for the entirety of my trip.]

I stayed at the MEHotel in the middle of London. This hotel felt like it was specifically designed for people who wear Hugo Boss. The smells – Hugo – the finishes – Hugo – the lighting – Hugo.

The hallways were so dark (very Hugo) that I considered activating my iPhone flashlight. It was dangerous, but that’s Hugo Boss. Hugo Boss isn’t for those who play it safe and it’s definitely not for people who drive a Volvo. No, but for real, I wish I could have activated the auto-pilot on my Volvo to help me navigate these hallways. My sense of direction is already VERY BAD and after a sleepless 9.5-hour night flight, these hallways were disorienting af.

After a few work calls and a walk around the gardens, I finally got a shower and went to dinner at Balthazar.

Delusional at this point, I ate myself into a coma and discovered the profiterole [which sounds like some sort of big Pharma brand for diabetes but turns out it is actually the complete opposite – profiteroles are what causes diabetes]. 

Everyone always talks about how "traveling teaches you about yourself" – on this night, I learned that my fatass really likes it when ice cream is smashed in-between two croissants and then covered in warm chocolate syrup. These little fuckers are dangerous. I ate 2 and passed out.

The next few days were a blur of agency meetings and train rides. I somehow managed to stay in 3 different hotels in the course of 5 days. I made it as far north as Bristol to take a look at our new office buildout.

I have been to the UK before, but this was the most time I had ever spent in the country and surrounded and working with British people. I discovered that these people are NOT nearly as buttoned up as they pretend to be. Posh? pssssh.. No. Case in point – Naked Attraction is one of the country’s most popular TV shows. It’s absolutely TWISTED.

Here’s how it works:

The contestant, looking for love, is walked out on stage where he/she is met with 6 different large, fogged windows. Their potential matches are standing behind the windows. The host makes a series of very gross, sexual comments about what they might see on the other side of the window. Then, suddenly, the windows start to open – revealing the individuals behind the window from the ground up. You see bare feet, then knees, and then full-frontal nudity of the potential matches. AND IT’S DISGUSTING. Once the midsection is fully revealed, the host alongside the contestant approaches the windows and begins examining the private parts. IN. GREAT. DETAIL. We’re talking play-by-play commentary of what the contestant is seeing, what he/she likes and dislikes, and all the nasty little imperfections. It is seriously the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen on a TV.

After the upper bodies and faces have been fully revealed, the host asks the contestant to select the 2 that he/she fancies the most. As if it can’t get any worse, the contestant, who was previously clothed must also get naked in front of the finalists. The hosts ask the remaining finalists what they like about the contestant’s body. At this point, the contestant has to decide who he/she is going on a date with… so the 2 finalists deliver their best, extremely specific, and very sexual advance on the contestant. The eye contact, mouth movements, and overall hygiene is DEEPLY DISTURBING. I’m still shook by this. Even more concerning… literally everyone in the country knows and or watches this show. They talk about the show, in a work setting, the same way Americans might talk about The Office or Seinfeld. 

Overall, it was a very quick trip. As I type this, I'm on a plane back home and very excited to see Steph and Sonny. This was the first time I’d be traveling internationally and the first time I’d be gone for more than a day or two. I missed everything, but mostly our nighttime routines. Now, bathing and rocking him to sleep is such a big part of my routine. My nights have felt very incomplete. We facetimed a lot on this trip and each time he really lit up. That was probably the highlight of my trip – seeing him react and know who I was even though I’m not there. I wanted to bring him home something that would mark my first, long work trip away. Something iconic, not Hugo Boss iconic, but more British.. but from England and also the UK :)

Apr 23, 2022