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Aug 10, 2022

Year 1

A steady flow of magnesium over the last 24 hours had dulled her. Her vision was blurry, and she became increasingly tired.

The sense of panic that filled the room was so swift it was difficult to comprehend. I was handed scrubs but had trouble putting them – I was completely disoriented. 

The room was quickly filling with more doctors. We were asked to sign a consent form for blood transfusion and other scarier things. This was everyone's fear. 

I went to the bathroom, dropped to my knees, and began praying. When I came out, they had already started wheeling Steph toward the operating room. She was on the phone, crying and telling her parents that she loved them. She looked terrified. I was shaking. 

When we arrived in the operating room, I remember looking at all the doctors' faces – their eyes had changed. The room felt very heavy. They began dosing Steph as the doctors did a role call. There were 12 staff members in the room. I was at Steph's head during the procedure. I played songs from our wedding. We locked eyes. Smiled. Cried. It was every emotion all at once. Fear. Joy. Everything all in a single moment. Time moved differently.

And then, they pulled him out. In a moment, I was scared to death and overjoyed. I held Steph and told her he was here. But I knew she wasn't present. The pain medication had knocked her out. 

I've cried so many times. In the shower. Writing this. Hearing a song. Looking at photos. 

I started writing this 2-weeks after he was born. I didn't want to forget the sequence of events and the feelings. I've come back to it over the weeks and months since then. Each day I cried less. The tears were replaced by joy. The joy that they are both ok. 

It's been a year today since Sonny joined us. It's been the best year of my life. It's hard to really describe what becoming a parent is like. In an instant, your entire life's perspective shifts. I will never forget the first time I saw him. It felt like he had always been here – like I already knew him. I also sensed in that instant that I was going somewhere new. I was in between worlds – like crossing a river. A deep sense of knowing that everything is interconnected. That he is us. We are our parents. They are their parents. And so on. Circle of life. Overwhelming love. Totally wild.

There have been so many moments like that throughout the past year. He'll smile or laugh, and I'll see a Grandparent. The entire experience has felt super eternal – a full circle feeling. More than anything, this past year, I've felt so overwhelmed with gratitude – for family, health, and opportunities we've been given – for him. When you have a child, you look at things differently – you realize the depth of love parents have for their children and recognize that we all want the same thing.